love.

I think I’ve cracked it. I’m not scared to fall in love again because I’m scared of getting hurt and being dumped (after two long relationships I’ve ended both of them). I’m scared to fall in love again and give myself to anyone as when I’m in love that person is my everything, I give them my all, everything, and anything that’s possible of me. I’ve never really been single and never had a chance to find myself, the past 8 months I’ve been experimenting with who I am, what I want to become and I have so much determination that I want to put in my future to make me a better person that I don’t want to fall stupidly in love again or give myself to anyone as I know it will take over my life again, and I’m scared I won’t be able to get out of it again and I’m scared I won’t find anyone on my wave length. I’m surrounded by people in my life that I feel have so many different goals in their life that are not along the same line as mine, or even worse they don’t even have any goals! Until I find someone who is even more determined than me in life to get somewhere and who I don’t feel as if need mothering all the damn time I’m scared to give my heart away again. If that means a few years until I am half way through university then be it. I have many years in front of me. I just miss being hugged of an evening and kissed on my cheek.

Extroversion.

Morning universe. I’m writing this blog to you from my office computer at 8.30am on a Monday morning, this is the most vitalized on a morning I have felt in a very long time, which is slightly odd as I got completely out of my face last night on the good old cheap students drink ‘frost jacks’ 3 liters for £1.99 – how could I say no?! I had an amazing night sleep and woke up on my own accord without a horrific alarm bleeping in my ear at 6.30am! I have had a funny few days, Friday lunch time at work I was speaking with my old friend Charlie (who is cousins to my old best friend Faye who I had an argument with a couple of years back, who is sisters with Rianne, again who I had a tad bit of an argument with a couple of years back) and Charlie without informing me thought it would be a good idea to invite Rianne along, which I was a little on the spot about at the time as I hadn’t spoken with her in a long long time, it was a little awkward at first but slowly the awkwardness went and we had a good evening, at the time I didn’t make plans to meet up with her or got her number / added her back on facebook as it was still a little bit ‘on the spot’. After Friday night I had a double shift 12-3.30  then 5-11.30 at the restaurant,  towards the end of the shift I had a text on my phone from a number that wasn’t saved, it was Faye saying that Rianne had told her I wanted to get back in contact with her and how was I. At the time I was like, huh? I didn’t say that? But I thought to go along with it as I would of liked to clear the air with her, our argument was petty and childish and it would be good to catch up, so I text her back clearing the air a little but not going into too much detail and at the end she invited me to come round that Sunday (the day after) to have a catch up. I was a little nervous and worried, this was the girl I was best friends with for a good few years but after she had her baby and baby daddy came on the scene he pushed me aside and wouldn’t let me see her or Aiden (Faye’s new born baby boy) and I didn’t know what to say. Rianne text me the morning after saying can I pick her up on the way (she only lives 2 mins walk round the corner to me so wasn’t out my way at all) and Rianne explained to me that it was a long shot but Faye had been speaking for months and months that she wanted to get back in contact with me but was too scared too as we left it on such a bad note, and Rianne thought to tell Faye I wanted to get in contact, and if I didn’t reply I didn’t reply, there was no change, but it could turn into the amazing friendship we had beforehand if I did. So I just played along with the whole story, and I am so glad I did. When I saw Faye she gave me the biggest hug in the world! She hadn’t changed a bit; she had a different house now, a 2 bedroom place, massive lovely house, Aiden in his own little room. The little man had grown so so much! Nearly 2 years old and the last time I saw him was at 3 months, cheeky little grin and bright ginger hair, so adorable and so well behaved! Faye’s boyfriend Dan took Aiden out so we could go have a nice pub lunch, we went to the Roebuck in Rayleigh, good old wetherspoons! Beer and a burger and then thought what the hell lets go back to hers and have a few drinks! Later on in the evening, when Aiden was in bed and after about 4 bottles of frosty jacks and a bottle of wine later, many a video and photo later and under the influence of alcohol me and Faye had a bit of a heart to heart. It turns out that she thought I had completely dropped her after I was the one who had been there for her throughout the entire pregnancy, went to her scans with her and classes everything. And when Aiden came along baby daddy (John) said some nasty words to me that I was no good for Faye, I shouldn’t be around her etc etc and I believed it, what was I supposed to say or do? She had just had a new born baby and an argument between baby daddy and her best friend is the last thing she needed, by me leaving her I thought I was doing the right thing. And that’s where she got upset and thought I didn’t care, but I did, so much, and that’s the reason I left her as she was playing happy families with John. Now she spoke to me about it and didn’t realize any of this she said to me that she would have preferred to have me there ever step of the way than john, and I was always there for her 110% more than john ever was and she is so happy that we are now back in contact. I will never ever have her out of my life again, and it’s so sad that I have missed these past couple of years, but now we just have even more of an excuse to catch up on the missed years and have a great time again. Moral of the story is don’t EVER let men ruin a damn friendship, stick to what you believe in and fight for who and/or what you love. I am so so happy right now words cannot describe to have my best friend back again. Love you Faye, Aiden & Rianne! xoxoxoxoxox

Self-Indulgence

I can be the most self-indulgent person you will ever meet, if I want something I will do everything in my power to get it, self-reliance is something I excel at. I don’t need anyone to get where I want to in life, I’ve lived without the support from parents, peers, and a boyfriend. If anything large trust issues is the only thing I have a downfall with, I am unable to trust or rely on anyone, and to be honest, 20 years old with a long term relationship, 30k job, nice car and my own flat is not many people of my age can say they have achieved, and that’s because I have yet to meet anyone on an equal path to me with their future plans and shared determination, another reason I cannot wait to get out of Essex and go to university. Without a job or a future plan I don’t see how people can live, from what I have witnessed people become too self-absorbed with the informalities of their own existence and when after that point they have bored themselves to death talking about themselves they start lurking into others’ lives and trying to control others as they are not happy how their own life has turned out.

After achieving what I have in such a short space of time, I realised that now my goal has been achieved that it isn’t in my heart of hearts what I would like to do as a career, my job pays a lot of money for what it is but I don’t wish for it as a career. I am just about to hand in my notice to my employer and venture off into the unknown, on student finance to the wonderful world of university. I start my access course in 7 weeks’ time, 9 months of pure study. Psychology, Anthropology, Sociology and A Level Maths. I wish to major in criminal psychology (forensic), possibly to work alongside barristers, or alternatively a research psychologist in this field. I am applying the Loughborough, Bath as my firm two choices, others include, Essex, Kent, Swansea, Glamorgan & Northumbria, but I yet have to choose.

Alongside all of this going on at the moment, 5 weeks ago I was informed my mum is going in for an operation of which I don’t wish to go into detail about online, this has been a massive shock to me and my family and with only two weeks to go I am finding it very hard to cope with watching my mum stress mainly and often in pain. I have cut myself from all my friends, barely keeping in contact as at the moment isolating myself seems to be the only way I am able to cope with waking up in the morning, I’m on compassionate leave from work and after explain this to my close friends, to be told I need to change as a friend as ‘I’m not able to offer enough’ of myself into my friendship has just put the icing on the cake to any form of depressions that my brain is trying to tackle at the moment. I have nothing to give to anyone but my family, but my friends are seeming this hard to understand at the moment so isolating myself from existence at the moment seems to be the other way of me coping, but then to find aimed digs all over the internet just goes to show how self-centred, selfish and uncaring ‘friends’ can be, again, another reason I am unable to trust people.

testing 1, 2, 3!

ciao bella!