Self-Indulgence

I can be the most self-indulgent person you will ever meet, if I want something I will do everything in my power to get it, self-reliance is something I excel at. I don’t need anyone to get where I want to in life, I’ve lived without the support from parents, peers, and a boyfriend. If anything large trust issues is the only thing I have a downfall with, I am unable to trust or rely on anyone, and to be honest, 20 years old with a long term relationship, 30k job, nice car and my own flat is not many people of my age can say they have achieved, and that’s because I have yet to meet anyone on an equal path to me with their future plans and shared determination, another reason I cannot wait to get out of Essex and go to university. Without a job or a future plan I don’t see how people can live, from what I have witnessed people become too self-absorbed with the informalities of their own existence and when after that point they have bored themselves to death talking about themselves they start lurking into others’ lives and trying to control others as they are not happy how their own life has turned out.

After achieving what I have in such a short space of time, I realised that now my goal has been achieved that it isn’t in my heart of hearts what I would like to do as a career, my job pays a lot of money for what it is but I don’t wish for it as a career. I am just about to hand in my notice to my employer and venture off into the unknown, on student finance to the wonderful world of university. I start my access course in 7 weeks’ time, 9 months of pure study. Psychology, Anthropology, Sociology and A Level Maths. I wish to major in criminal psychology (forensic), possibly to work alongside barristers, or alternatively a research psychologist in this field. I am applying the Loughborough, Bath as my firm two choices, others include, Essex, Kent, Swansea, Glamorgan & Northumbria, but I yet have to choose.

Alongside all of this going on at the moment, 5 weeks ago I was informed my mum is going in for an operation of which I don’t wish to go into detail about online, this has been a massive shock to me and my family and with only two weeks to go I am finding it very hard to cope with watching my mum stress mainly and often in pain. I have cut myself from all my friends, barely keeping in contact as at the moment isolating myself seems to be the only way I am able to cope with waking up in the morning, I’m on compassionate leave from work and after explain this to my close friends, to be told I need to change as a friend as ‘I’m not able to offer enough’ of myself into my friendship has just put the icing on the cake to any form of depressions that my brain is trying to tackle at the moment. I have nothing to give to anyone but my family, but my friends are seeming this hard to understand at the moment so isolating myself from existence at the moment seems to be the other way of me coping, but then to find aimed digs all over the internet just goes to show how self-centred, selfish and uncaring ‘friends’ can be, again, another reason I am unable to trust people.